One would believe that it is rather easy and natural to have a conversation. How untrue this can be! While a conversation follows all the steps of the communication process, the receiver and the messenger must both demonstrated particular qualities.
Listening Versus Hearing
To understand how effective conversation works, it is essential to understand the difference between hearing and listening.
Hearing is primarily a physiological function that requires no conscientious involvement of the brain. It is done without any active participation. On the opposite, listening is a mental exercise requiring active and conscientious participation.
Demonstrating Empathy
To ensure effective communication, the receiver must be able to decode the intent of the messenger. In other words, it is necessary to understantd the reasons as well as the reasoning behing the message. An effective listener is not self-centred but open to others, with the capability to zero in on the messenger.
Empathy is one of the first characteristics of a good receiver. To respond appropriately, the receiver must try and read the messenger. Body language, facial expressions, voice and intonation are all clues that can be used in decoding the messenger and his true message.
Body language and intonation can act in different manners with the words contained in the message:
- Repeat
- Contradict
- Emphasize
- Complement
Those non-verbal cues are as important to the message as the words themselves. They help support, correct or contradict the initial decoding of the message. An effective receiver will be aware and responsive to those cues, adjusting his own message accordingly.
Shutting Out the Environment
In order to centre his attention on the messenger, the receiver must try to shut off the rest of the world and avoid distraction. It is not time to think up smart answers, think about the next task at hand, listen to the conversation taking place at the next table or text a friend. With all the solicitations that the world offers, it might prove to be difficult, but a genuine conversation cannot happen without real involvement. And shutting off the cell phone might be the first step toward it.
A successful receiver will learn to withdraw from it and give deliberate attention to the messenger. Just as one cannot expect to do quality work in a room full of distraction, one cannot expect to have a real conversation surrounded by noise and other stimuli. It might be as simple as retiring to a quiet room or as involved as practicing shutting out outside distractions.
Make the Messages Meet
Another common problem with having an effective conversation occurs when each one of the participants is trying to say something different. Like the messenger, the receiver comes to a conversation with a specific intent:
- Prove his point
- Explain himself
- Get in a fight
- Show compassion and understanding
- Put himself in a good light
- Show off
Both intents might meet, contradict or be in conflict with one another. The problems start when the receiver’s intent is different from the messenger and his message’s intent. It is as if there are no receivers, just two messengers trying to get something across to the other.
Having a conversation is a two way process. Both participants must come to it with the same openness and availability. The receiver may apply all the rules and tricks possible, but if the messenger is not willing to become in turn a good receiver, the communication process become broken and no real conversation can take place.
Communicating, really communicating cannot take place without commitment from both participants. If one of them is not really available, it becomes a bit like talking to a wall, a wall that might provide all the right answers at the right time, but that is not really listening.
Effective communication, more particularly effective conversation, requires an open mind and an availability that the modern world does not always permit. It is the task of both the messenger and the receiver to create conditions that make real communication possible. This can be done through empathy, availability and an open-mind.
